There really is something to be said for sitting down to a movie after an excruciating work-day spent pretending that you give a shit. Unless, of course, the movie asks you to give a shit, and then gives you characters you would only become interested in if they set themselves on fire.
A Backdraft-worthy blaze was the ending I was hoping for while watching "Helena from the Wedding," an indie film that should come with a warning label: Contains Senseless Whining and Human Stupidity. Instead, what I got (SPOILER ALERT. KINDA.) was a guy who we were supposed to believe had matured. We knew this because he seemed to be happy his wife was not dead. Gotta love those education plots.
I know, I know. We women just don't get you dudes. We just don't understand how hard it is to be going along, thinking you actually like your wife, when--WHAMMO--a model you met at a wedding a couple of years ago ends up in your luxury cabin for New Year's Eve. And she's wearing--gasp--low-rise jeans! Who saw that coming!
Except it's not your cabin. It's your father's because you aren't able to actually make the kind of living that could buy such a place. It seems the task of income-earning falls to your wife. Whoops! I'm sorry. Did I say something that threatens your masculinity and thus forces you to try to prove your manhood by going out into the woods with a pair of binoculars and spy on the model as she takes a bath? My bad. Clearly I should have known from you moist-eyes that you were sensitive, and prone to massive boundary violations in the name of keeping your mojo intact. But I guess I should have deduced that you felt robbed of your wild nature from the male director's painful shots lingering on the taxidermy, subtly signaling to the audience WATCH FOR METAPHOR!
So, for your enjoyment and possibly true education, here's the real-life ending. At least in the film featuring the kind of women I know. You know, the ones that read.
INT. CABIN - NIGHT
ALEX, the cocaine he has just snorted with his buddies wearing off enough for him to recall leaving the vial of it on the floor of the jeep his wife is now driving on ice-covered roads, is staring out the window onto the snowy hillside. He was outside watching for her to come back, but it was so cold out there. And, besides, he can watch from in here and also watch Helena, the hot model that he could have married, damn it, if he had only known that someday she would be born and then come to his house, and then have amazing sex with him and not fall asleep after taking care of a house full of guests like his wife did last night. He chokes back tears of all his lost hopes and that time he lost the streamers off his tricycle.
HELENA crawls around on the floor looking for a missing piece to the backgammon game. We can see the small of her back is exposed between her jeans and sweater. Alex forgets he is supposed to be looking out the window and wondering if his wife has gone off the road into a tree then found by a cop who decides from the coke he has just pocketed that she's just a Jane Doe and leaves her for the sheriff to find as goes home to his respectable wife and black lab named Darkie to watch internet porn. Instead of remembering he is worried, Alex adjusts his kaki Land's End trousers and watches Helena.
Helena, turning quickly to search under the couch, catches Alex wiping drool from the front of his reindeer sweater.
HELENA
(to Alex)
(to Alex)
Can I help you with something, dough boy?
ALEX
Ugh, no, no. I was just looking at, I mean, with you.
Ugh, no, no. I was just looking at, I mean, with you.
HELENA
Hmmmm. I see that.
Hmmmm. I see that.
ALEX
(finding something he thinks of as courage but which is actually a horribly distorted sense of his importance)
(finding something he thinks of as courage but which is actually a horribly distorted sense of his importance)
You're hot. I mean, you must know that, right? That men look at you. That must happen to you all the time.
HELENA
And I should find this idea appealing?
ALEX
Uh, I guess. I mean, I would find it "appealing" if women thought I was hot.
HELENA
I would find that worth reporting to the Vatican.
ALEX
Hey, what's that for?
HELENA
Hmmm. Let me see. Ever since I arrived you have been leering at me, then giving me this scary-clown smile when I stare you down, like I should giggle in delight that you want me, just waiting for the moment when your wife, my friend, who has been watching this behavior and gone out for a late night drive on black ice rather than watch any more of it, dies so I can have you for my very own.
Does that sum it up?
ALEX
Well, not when you say it like that . . .
HELENA
Let me tell you what is going to happen, Alex. I kind of like this place. I could us a spot just like this, to unwind. You have a talk with Dad. Tell him that you need him to let me come here whenever I want.
ALEX
(excited)
And I'll meet you here?
HELENA
Nooooo, actually, Alex, you will tell Daddy I am not to be disturbed. And then I won't tell your wife about your little trip into the woods with the binoculars earlier today.
ALEX
Whhhaa, what are you talking about?
HELENA
I have a new bathroom word for you, Einstein: mirrors.
EXT. CABIN - NIGHT
ALICE, Alex's wife, pulls up to the cabin. She is safe. She walks toward the cabin and sees Alex at the window, watching for her, his face filled with worry. As Alice walks closer, looking at the window, Helena rises up from where she has been crouched on the floor. Alice stops. It looks as if Helena has been blowing Alex. Everyone is frozen for a few moments. Helena and Alice lock eyes. Helena is the first one to smile. She is looking at Alice, her smile continually growing wider. Alice smiles back at her friend, and starts to laugh, as does Helena. Slowly, at first, but by the time Alice gets to the door, she is doubled over, howling and crying in fits of laughter. Helena opens the door, hysterical, as they hug.
They compose themselves, look at each other, sputter, and start all over again. It's just like college, except for the blue ray player and tonight's appetizer of balsamic glazed figs.
Finally, freezing, they wrap their arms around each other tightly and walk, stomping off the snow, into the warm fireplace light.
THE END
